BERKELEY, Calif. – Shockingly, a separate group of old white dudes has made a separate decision to rank UC Berkeley as the top public university. However, this new ranking has nothing to do with you. In fact, the new change in ranking is completely in spite of your terrible actions as a student.
“Yeah, everyone else is actually really great at studying, planning their career, and making a difference. In fact, everyone is so far ahead of you that it’s kind of sad how awful you are at everything,” explained Times Highered analyst Barry Badgrades, looking over data that showed just how incredibly talented everyone else at UC Berkeley is compared to you. “Once you’ve been factored out of the equation, UC Berkeley has skyrocketed in rank. You were such an outlier that it was a wonder the analysts from US News counted you in the first place! But of course, the answer according to most statisticians now is that you do not matter, and nothing you do means anything.”
While ASUC twerps and social impact consulting club presidents let out a sigh of relief at their reputations being restored, you were once again interrogated about your role in this entire debacle.
“Now I understand,” you realized with a resigned expression, as you chugged your Yerba Mate before spectacularly failing your data structures assignment. “My imposter syndrome was completely right this entire time. Everyone was better than me in every single one of my classes. They all did their laundry every week, called their mom every two days, and weren’t lying when they said they had a 4.0 even though they never skipped Taco Tuesday. I can only reach the final conclusion that I’m a piece of shit that doesn’t belong at this university at all!”
When reached for comment, Chancellor Rich Lyons had much to say about your fundamentally flawed existence.
“Well, I didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag, but it actually was a mistake that we accepted you in the first place. That’s why you consistently fall behind your peers and are a general failure of a human being,” Lyons brutally explained in a 2-minute video message that could have been an email. “That club that didn’t accept you? It’s because of you personally– in fact, the executive board never laughed as hard as they did when they read your ‘personal essay.’ The class you got a B minus in? Everyone else knew way more than you about functional abstraction, and that grade is a direct symbol of your value as an individual.”
Following this announcement, your grandmother has officially stated to the world at large that you were a mistake and do not count because her other grandchildren were performing much better than you at your age.