A compelling and impassioned argument in favor of veganism took place this past weekend in a clandestine CZ bathroom, according to a gobsmacked inside source who was, really, just trying to wash their hands and get In-N-Out burgers. “I just think it’s, like, incredibly important for so many reasons,” explained an anonymous, wine drenched Lothlorien co-op member.

“I mean, we really need to watch what we put in our bodies these days, what with all the injected hormones impacting meat and dairy and the health problems that come with processed food,” she elaborated while pulling out her customized debit card and a five-dollar bill in preparation to inhale a substance that can cause immediate paranoia and long-term damage to the heart and brain, high blood pressure, severe depression, and liver failure.

Using as much care to articulate her point as to complete making her line, she continued. “And not to mention all of the abuses in the food industry! What they do to those poor animals is literally so disgusting. They can feel pain, you know. They have emotions. And, like, pigs are way smarter than dogs, but no one ever gives a shit about factory farming. It’s honestly so gruesome, the inhumanity is a huge part of why I went vegan. Super sobering stuff.”

Here the conversation took a pause as the local champion of animal rights started gumming the remainder of a drug for which there is an average of six human deaths per kilo sold. The flood of dopamine gushed from her presynaptic neurons just as the rousing defense of veganism finished spurting from her mouth.

“I can send you some links later, people have got to get more informed. Like, in my opinion, environmental veganism is a hundred percent as important as ethical veganism. My co-op is completely animal-friendly right now, it’s so inspiring! And, by the way, you really should watch Food, Inc. What these corporations do should be illegal. Oh damn, I’m being so rude! Do you want a bump?”



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