10 Ways to Justify Your Parents Spending $60k On Your Gender and Women’s Studies Major While You Do Dirty Girl Scouts in Front of Your Parents and Siblings This Cal Day

Well, our nation’s most important holiday has finally come! But we here at The Free Peach know how difficult it can be to navigate dealing with your family while trying to party it up. Here are some of our very best ideas for justifying your degeneracy!

10.) Part of “reclaiming spaces” entails getting on your knees at a fraternity where human rights violations have occurred to let them know that you’ve read and partially understood Audre Lorde.

9.) The drinks are free!! College tuition is not. But at least you can chug mimosas from red solo cups FOR FREE!!!!!

8.) When you weave through the crowds to try to go to the bathroom, navigating through the many people railing lines of blow in there, you are essentially working through a microcosm of our broader society. This is real life experience here.

7.) There’s protein in chocolate syrup, and college is all about maintaining a balanced diet.

6.) Hey, at least you got into Berkeley without you having to pay an extra $500,000! (cough cough USC cough cough)

5.) When you get drunk and send frat boys “u up?” texts at 2 pm, you are single-handedly dismantling the patriarchy.

4.) “Mom, Dad, I am basically the Jane Goodall of the twenty-first century. I have to interact with these people in order to figure out how to communicate with them.”

3.) If you use a reusable shot glass instead of a plethora of red solo cups, you are decreasing your carbon footprint. You’re welcome.

2.) Although you may be participating in this environment, at least you don’t live in a frat basement.

1.) You may never look this good in a tube top again.

We hope these key points help when your parents inevitably look at you with horror in their eyes and an all-consuming sense of regret!