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Month: October 2019

Posted on October 30, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Kelsey Ferrell

Cal Fraternity Brother Unknowingly The Typhoid Mary of HPV

“If I had an STD, I would know it,” said Hawthorne. “It’s not like STDs are some invisible cancer you can accidentally give to other people.”

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Posted on October 30, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Maeve Sneddon

‘It’s So Cold In The Morning But I’m Sweating By Lunch!’ And Other Small Talk You Can Make With St. Peter At The Gates Of Heaven As He Determines Your Eternal Fate

I’m sure the weather at the Gates of Heaven is quite similar to the weather here in Berkeley, so this should be relevant to St. Peter too!

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Posted on October 29, 2019May 19, 2021 by: Cloe Wood

Five Sexy—and Historically Accurate!—Halloween Costumes to Impress Your Crush

Dressing up as Anne Boleyn is a great way to signal to your crush that you’re hot, you could totally secure an alliance with France, and you’re chill with the fact that they’ve already hooked up with your sister.

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Posted on October 26, 2019September 28, 2022 by: The Free Peach

Alvin, Of “Chipmunks” Fame, Dead of Fentanyl Overdose

“Alvin and the Chipmunks” frontman Alvin Seville was pronounced dead at Cedar-Sinai Veterinary Hospital early this morning after an apparent fentanyl overdose. The acclaimed anthropomorphic chipmunk was 61 years old. 

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Posted on October 25, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Lily Green

I Talk So Much In Section Because I Must Preserve America’s Democracy: By Every Male Political Science Major

Some people can’t handle the discourse I inspire. Okay, fine, you made me say it – these people are usually women.

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Posted on October 24, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Daniella Rosen

ASUC-Inspired Drinking Game: Get Drunk and be Politically Aware

Drink a beer for every person that covers the livestream camera by sitting in front of it and showing their buttcrack.

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Posted on October 24, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Amma Sarkodee-Adoo

Help! Ruth Bader Ginsburg Stepped On The Seal And Now I’m Going To Lose My Right To An Abortion

A source from the UC Berkeley Office of Traditions and Curses recently confirmed that since Justice Ginsburg is not an enrolled Berkeley student, the bad luck from this incident will follow her to the court, endangering the right to an abortion for millions of Americans.  

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Posted on October 23, 2019October 23, 2019 by: Daniel Menegaz

8 Reasons Why Vampires Respect Women More Than Cal Fraternity Brothers

Vampires won’t send you an unsolicited dick pic. Even if they tried, you’d probably just receive a phone floating in front of a mirror.

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Posted on October 23, 2019May 12, 2021 by: Sam MacKinnon

BREAKING: Kanye West Still Included in your Aunt Karen’s list of Satanist Influences Despite Upcoming Release of “Jesus is King” Album

Kanye West never responded to our email requesting a comment. Updates will be added if he chooses to respond. Your Aunt Karen will maintain her commenting regardless, though. 

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Posted on October 22, 2019May 13, 2021 by: The Free Peach

TFP Presents: RuthWatch

As I contemplate the hold that my government has over my rights, opportunities, and access to my own medical services in a land that is supposed to be “free,” I sit and wonder. What is freedom? I close my eyes and think of RBG.

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