By Maeve Sneddon

There’s a lot to be worried about when it comes to your day of reckoning at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Have you committed the seven deadly sins? Have you repented? Have you done enough good to outweigh the bad? One question you might be forgetting– what in the name of God are you going to talk to St. Peter about as you wait for him to judge your soul and unlock the Gates to Heaven? Don’t worry, The Free Peach has some topics for you to try!

1.) “The weather’s been crazy recently– so cold in the mornings but so hot in the afternoon!”

This is a classic! Everyone loves to talk about the weather, no matter whether they be a newly deceased soul or a priest turned Saint whose everlasting duty is to guard Heaven, its always a great way to get anybody talking. I’m sure the weather at the Gates of Heaven is quite similar to the weather here in Berkeley, so this should be relevant to St. Peter too! Plus, if he does decide to let you in quickly, this conversation is easily cut short so you can begin your eternal celebration in Heaven. 

2.) “I’ve been crazy busy recently, I feel like everything is piling on at once.”

Great start– I’m sure St. Peter is busy too, given that he is constantly deciding whether to permit or forbid all Christian souls from entering Heaven. He’d probably love to chat about your three midterms next week and maybe even let off some steam about his current workload of judging spirits. Maybe it’ll even make him think more favorably about you since clearly the talk of weather didn’t give him enough time to decide to open those Gates up. 

3.) “Hey, did you watch the [insert recent sports game here] last night?”

Hm, this one’s a bit of a gamble. There has been no scholarship on whether the entrance to Heaven has cable TV, or whether St. Peter is a sports fan, but if he is? That can only help your chances of getting in, which really, you think he would have by now right? Most people don’t have to make this much small talk, do they?

4.) “What’s something not many people know about you?”

Now I know, this one might seem a bit personal. But really, aren’t you tired of all that superficial small talk anyway? Let’s get right in the thick of it with St. Peter. I mean, at this point you’re still standing outside the Gates of Heaven, and it’s taking an awfully long time to decide if you’re allowed in, so what do you have to lose?

5.) “What’s your dream job?”

Alright, so this one you only ask if you’re really getting desperate. At this point, the amount of time it’s taking St. Peter to decide is a bit disconcerting. What exactly did you do in your life that was so bad, huh? You donated some money, right? You volunteered on occasion, no? Went to Church at least twice a year? If you’ve already run through all the other topics and he still hasn’t unlocked those Gates, might as well distract him with some shit like this. 

If you’ve gone through all of these, and St. Peter is still sitting there behind his little Gates, thinking about you and your life, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think you’re getting in. Maybe you can try all these in Hell. 

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