1.) Anne Boleyn (c. 1501 – 19 May 1536)
The original #queen and the baddest bitch in 16th century England, dressing up as Anne Boleyn is a great way to signal to your crush that you’re hot, you could totally secure an alliance with France, and you’re chill with the fact that they’ve already hooked up with your sister. Show off your thorough research with fun touches like a live white falcon (Anne’s preferred method of communication!) and your totally decapitatable neck with a sultry splash of fake blood—fun sexy bonus if it’s the kind made out of chocolate sauce and you hookup later! Disclaimer: definitely make sure your crush doesn’t want a biological son if you’re going to do this one. #awkward
2.) US President Martin Van Buren (December 5, 1782 – July 24, 1862)
The eighth president of the United States can get it and so can you! Nothing says “fun and flirty” like some tousled sideburns paired with a smooth, bald scalp. A wool peacoat says you’re practical and serious, but that sweet bowtie lets them know you’re not too serious–just seriously hot! Bonus if you’re exactly 5 feet 6 inches tall, that’s right! “Little Van” was the original #ShortKing. Dressing up as the first US president to be born a citizen signals to your crush that you’re a trendsetter. Oh, and make sure to brush up on your Dutch—our boy Martin is the only president in US history to learn english as a second language. Beauty and brains! When you start explaining how Van Buren resolved the Petticoat Affair, they’re going to want you all up in their petticoats.
3.) Sappho (c. 630 – c. 570 BCE)
Sappho is the Lesbian Icon of the ancient world. Whether she was penning some seriously hot poetry or strumming the lyre like a pagan Ed Sheeran, she *literally* put the Sappho in sapphic and the Lesbos in lesbian. Make sure to memorize some of the sexier poems to recite drunkenly to your crush, bonus if you do it in the original Ancient Greek! Carry around some fragments of poetry on papyrus in your pocket and drop them around campus to give the classics majors something to freak out about for the next 2000 years. Really go the extra mile by convincing the other babes at the party to frolic naked with you in the backyard while singing to Aphrodite.
4.) Grigori Rasputin (21 January 1869 – 30 December 1916)
That beard. That long, stringy hair. Those haunting eyes. Grigori Rasputin was by far the sexiest mystic healer to ingratiate himself into the Russian imperial family—and in your hot new Rasputin costume you’ll ingratiate yourself right into your crush’s bed! Did we mention that his central religious doctrine was that you have to indulge in sexual promiscuity and heavy drinking to achieve divine grace? Sounds like your Halloweekend is going to be a holy experience 😉 After already surviving one assassination attempt, a group of nobles decided to kill Grigori by poisoning him, shooting him three times, and finally tying him up and throwing him into a freezing river. One things for sure: the only thing harder to kill than Rasputin is going to be the vibe between you and your crush this Halloween!!
5.) Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (15 October 1844 – 25 August
Ugh, who doesn’t love a misunderstood bad boy? God might be dead, but the sexual tension between you and your crush sure isn’t! In this classically slutty Halloween costume, you’ll definitely let your crush know that while life might have no meaning, you’re still here for a good time. Nietzsche’s tiny glasses look great on any face shape, and that mustache is the must-have trend of the season (even if it notoriously scared women in Nietzsche’s lifetime). Not into drinking? Neither was he! Show your crush that you’re above religion, booze, and the concept of having fun by being a Total Fucking Downer but in a Hot Way!! Just make sure you learn from Nietzsche’s mistakes and use protection—dying at age forty from syphilis is so not the mood.