BERKELEY, Calif.— Sources report that Cal Fraternity brother Ethan Hawthorne, of the Phi Gamma Delta chapter, is unknowingly passing around HPV like it’s Typhoid Fever in 19th century New York City and he’s Mary Mallon.
Hawthorne, who has tested clean in every standard STI screening at the Tang Center, has been adept at convincing his partners to forgo condoms in light of his spotless record. Being that there is no test for male carriers of HPV, Hawthorne has been able to pass HPV on to no less than 12 unsuspecting women.
“If I had an STD, I would know it,” said Hawthorne. “It’s not like STDs are some invisible cancer you can accidentally give to other people.”
“Most men who are infected with HPV as asymptomatic, just like Typhoid Mary was an asymptomatic carrier of Typhoid Fever,” commented Dr. Alicia Feinstein.
While Typhoid Mary infected an estimated 51 people, Hawthorne has only infected twelve—wait no, sorry, fourteen women now.
His partners, ranging from 18 to 20, will all receive an HPV diagnosis as a 21st birthday gift from their doctors upon their inaugural pap smear.
“Ethan’s like, really cute,” said Taylor Green, a sophomore who has been exposed to HPV from Hawthorne on 30 separate occasions.
“I like Ethan a lot, we always have fun together!” said Abby Cramer, who has a Tang Center Appointment next week to investigate some unpleasant symptoms.
“The more girls I’m with, the better,” said Hawthorne. “We’re literally just vibing.”