BERKELEY, CA. — Following three days of bedlam, UC Berkeley’s campus has been left strewn with debris from the lengthy, bacchanalian exodus of Phish fans. Celebrating the financial success of the concert series, the Greek Theater released a statement that the three shows sold out nearly as much as the 32-year-old coders from Walnut Creek who went. 

“It’s an understatement to call this a success,” began publicity officer Amanda Van West. “Our projections were for a moderate profit, mostly just looking to break even. Jam bands aren’t really the sourdough-bread-and-butter of the Bay Area like they were 30 years ago. But the telltale litter of Phisheads stretching from West Berkeley into the Hills signifies an unprecedented draw. Empty nitrous balloons and grilled cheese crusts are blooming like poppies by the theater itself. I would say that the show sold out… well, nearly as much as the mid-thirties tech-bros desperate for any sense of escapism who attended. They’re not drinking cheap liquor behind the Greek anymore – they’ve bloomed into the suburban dads who pay for a $15 beers we serve.”

In an exclusive interview, Trey Anastasio of Phish spoke about his experience playing the triple-booked theater.

“Berkeley was a great time, the music was good, the weather was good, the $2 grilled cheeses thrown at me from the pit were pretty good (use less butter next time, maybe). One thing that did irk me, however, is that even though we sold-out, we clearly didn’t sell out half as hard as our fans. Did you see the people in the crowd? And all the Teslas parked in the stadium lot? If you’ve got money for a Tesla, you’ve got money for a $45 show poster or at least a $25 beanie.”

Discussions with witnesses of the attendees only confirmed Anastasio’s assertion. One student had the following to say:

“Those Phishheads smelled horrible,” began Daniel Calvin. “We’re talking about 35 year old white guys from the ‘burbs with six-figure incomes and no deodorant – you could smell the bad weed and open beers from Hearst Mining building.I had a class in Cory Hall, and trying to sneak past the band and enter was like  reverse aroma-therapy. The silliest thing is that these guys were total sellouts. Where was the classic Phish gear – acid, flip flops, vomit-stained shirts? I mean Trey himself mentioned Teslas – where were the shag wagons?”

At press time, the Greek Theater launched an exploratory committee to revive the corpse of Jerry Garcia. 

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