BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid concerns of animal cruelty in Cal Dining’s source of pork, the organization has vowed to reinvest in more ethical food systems.

“We’ve heard your calls, and we want to grow,” reported Jonathan Swift, Cal Dining’s Head Dietician. “We can’t just quit meat cold turkey, though; Cal Dining is a well-oiled machine, calculated to serve the hungry masses. A solution, therefore, has to lie in compromise.

“I have been assured by a knowledgeable foodie friend in London that a young Irish child, well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food. Whether stewed as the Foothill bulgogi, stewed as the Clark Kerr carnitas, or stewed as the Cafe 3 banh mi, I have no doubt that we can continue to maintain the standards we have always upheld.”

The announcement comes as a boon to Irish farmers, who have found their business struggling in recent years.

“It’s a tough job, but at least the pay is startin’ to come,” reported Oisín Tierney, a fourth-generation baby farmer. We stood in the pasture of his family farm; idyllic hills surrounding us as babies crawled around, eating grass by the handful. “The mother comes in, wants to sell ‘er wean,  but the low price and children’s advocacy protestors always turn ‘em away. Still, ‘only hands can wash hands, only people can feed people,’ as my da’ used to say. If shipping the wee lads to California is the way to turn profit again, we ought to do as we ought to do.”

Aoife Ó Briain, a baby in the Crossroads walk-in fridge, had a more negative view on the new food protocols. 

“Waaah! Waaaaah, waaaah!” noted Ó Briain, screaming like a little idiot while an employee jiggled their car keys above the infant’s face. “Ahhhh! Goo. Babgababebo.”

Despite the changes, Cal Dining still intends to maintain its vegetarian options of week-old rice and caterpillar-laced salad.

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