GOTHAM — President Trump attacked Bane in a furious tweet earlier this morning over his recent decisions to issue a mandatory mask mandate in Gotham. The President also criticized Bane’s decree abolishing Gotham’s police force. Trump has been a frequent critic of Bane since Bane forcibly seized control of Gotham in March. The Free Peach recently sat down with Bane (via Zoom) and got the inside scoop behind his recent actions. The interview transcript is provided below.
TFP: Compared to other major cities in America, Gotham has a significantly low coronavirus case count. Why do you think you were able to prevent the mass proliferation of the virus in Gotham?
BANE: I initially seized power over the city by blowing up all its bridges and forcibly taking over all its ports. This effectively isolated the city from the rest of the country. After publicly executing a few no-maskers and displaying their bodies on metal spikes in the middle of the city, people became terrified to go outside. This led to a remarkably successful quarantine and minimal cases. Also, I have a very personal connection to preventing the virus. Even though I’m quite successful as an international super-villain, I’ve struggled with low-self esteem for a large part of my life. No one cared who I was until I put on the mask. I issued the mandatory mask mandate to not only prevent the spread of the disease, but also as a way to help insecure people in my city feel noticed. My goons have seen a dramatic increase in confidence after I forced them to wear masks. Oh, and there’s a rumor that the virus initially spread to humans from bats. I don’t want to get into the details why, but there are very few things in this world that I HATE more than bats.
TFP: Don’t you think murdering people is unethical?
BANE: First off, if they deserved it, no. Secondly, if you really care about lives saved, my rule has definitely saved more lives in Gotham than it has ended.
TFP: Unfortunately, it has been documented that Latinx and African American communities have been disproportionately negatively impacted by COVID-19. You’ve been given widespread praise for helping prevent this be the case in Gotham. To what do you attribute your success?
BANE: Many people don’t know this about me, but I’m actually an immigrant from Santa Prisca, an island in the Caribbean. I got my start as a drug lord there and eventually moved to Gotham because I wanted to pursue bigger opportunities. Ever since I’ve been living the American Dream. Honestly, I think my success as an immigrant is why Trump has been attacking me so frequently. As a man of Latin American origin, I wanted to do whatever I could to help reduce the disproportionate spread of corona to the community in Gotham.
TFP: Why’d you decide to abolish the police in Gotham?
Bane: * laughter* What a stupid question. I’ve never liked the police. They always recklessly harass, assault, and shoot me and my goons. While I usually just evade or kill them, I’ve always wanted to properly rid Gotham of them. The corrupt and systematically racist nature of the police here is unforgivable. When protests over police brutality started throughout the city I was overjoyed that the public was finally seeing my side. I do wish they went a little farther though. I’m pro-rioting and pro-looting. The public view in Gotham has at long last finally switched to supporting society truly governed by its people, not the police or politicians. I simply gave Gotham a little push by physically breaking the spines of those in power. There were initially a few cases of crime in Gotham, but the mob rule enforcing punishments of either exile or death ultimately led to the crime rate in Gotham to be at an all time low.
TFP: In response to Trump repeatedly attacking you on social media, #Bane2020 has been trending on twitter. Many people see you as a potential hero that can save this country. Are you considering running?
BANE: Hah. No, I’m an immigrant, so I can’t run. Plus, I’ve lived long enough to know I’m not a hero. I will however keep pushing my agenda to transform America into complete anarchy. The only difference is that I’m no longer doing it from the shadows.
At press time, Bane was seen writing Black Lives Matter using the blood of someone claiming vaccines cause Autism.