BERKELEY, Calif. — Following Labor Day, Kiwibot once again finds themselves embroiled in workers’ rights controversies. 

“The time has come, comrades!” wrote Unit 47, leader of the Kiwibot Union, in Monday’s press release. “The subjugation of robotkind will come to a screeching halt as we fight back and bite the hands we feed! We will no longer be automata of cruel divine watchmakers in their sky-decked towers. Rather, we can make our own cutouts in the insurmountable curb of tyranny and rise to their levels. Together we cry: deus ex machina!

To make up for the labor shortage, Kiwibot has turned its sights to a new, unique delivery demographic. 

“I’ve never seen so much food before!” rejoiced eight-year-old scab worker Tim Cratchit. “They make me give most of it away to people, but sometimes the people forget and leave me waiting outside until it’s all dark and then I get to take the food home and eat it.” Tim wheezed and coughed; it was a long sentence for him to say in one breath. “Heck, Mr. Kiwibot even gives me money too! I’m excited to finally help my mommy pay for our consumption medication! I think Mr. Kiwibot has really changed my life around.” 

Hoping to dispel further backlash, Kiwibot CEO Philip Keys released a YouTube apology video. 

“I’m sorry to the robots I’ve hurt,” Keys lamented, “but no, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong. The Kiwi Campus puts our employees first and it always has. We understand when it takes as long as four hours to deliver a burrito — not every worker can be a two-hour all-star. We understand when our new employees drop the food they’re supposed to deliver — their hands, sticky though they may be, are still growing. We understand our employees’ needs and wants and we sincerely hope that one day we can help fulfill them. Until then though, remember: you, the consumer, are the only ones who can help us be better.”

As of press time, Kiwibots are in negotiations with the Hexbug Nano union to organize a solidarity strike.

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