BERKELEY, Calif.  Berkeley Fraternity TKE held an emergency meeting to reevaluate the bid system following reports that COVID-19 entered 100 percent of their parties uninvited, respiratory-compromised sources revealed.

“It’s really fucked up that COVID has been going around all our parties. It’s like, who invited you? And who do you even know here?” TKE president Thumby Carlson remarked through a horrific coughing fit he swore was from his morning toke. “Look, I don’t want to be the bad guy, but it really seems like anyone with a wristband can get into our parties… we used to be exclusive, you know? And if COVID-19 is coming in and causing problems, that’s not cool. If anyone is supposed to cause problems, it’s Kyle after a bottle of jager. So anyways, we’re going to ditch the bands. Probably.”

This news has sent shockwaves across the Berkeley community, particularly to the dismay of sophomore girls who collect wristbands in their dresser drawers.

“I’m absolutely heartbroken. Stealing paper wristbands from frats was how I justified going to their parties and perpetuating the toxic and unsafe social system that is Greek life,” lamented Delta Gamma Christina Larson. “How am I supposed to have fun knowing I’m not making a difference?”

Whether or not TKE will continue to throw parties despite the risk is unclear. 

“We can’t let the people down, man. For most of us, standing in a room shoulder-to-shoulder, cock-to-cock with hundreds of strangers for hours on end is what we need to get us through the weekend,” said TKE Social Chair Kroeger Washington. “We’re confident that we can throw parties without letting COVID in. If it even tries to come near our door, my buddy Robert has an ATV and a baseball bat, so he could, like, hit it or something.”

At press time, Cal Administrators threatened that if TKE does not stop their reckless behavior, the fraternity could be disciplined with a disapproving but ultimately toothless email from the IFC.

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