BERKELEY, Calif. Confirming everybody’s long-held assumptions that most extraneous university fees are driven by greed, UC Berkeley announced this morning that the thousands of dollars in revenue generated from dropped classes will fund the construction of a massive zip-line down Bancroft Way, sources who just dropped their DeCal reported.

“When students take a tour of UC Berkeley, they don’t even get to see half of its campus because it is so large. This is partially because I instruct all tour guides to spend half of the tour talking about the epicenter of a national protest movement that now is represented by a coffee shop, but I still wish visitors got to see more of campus,” explained Director of Undergraduate Admissions Olufemi Ogundele while crudely doodling a “CAL ROPES COURSE” blueprint on the back of a napkin. “The zip-line will allow them to easily experience everything the #1 Public University has to offer without making their legs sore. The pure joy from the zip-line will also make up for the boring tour guides. Most guides have no ability whatsoever to show any enthusiasm about the campus, but those that do will be so ridiculously enthusiastic that parents will assume they are on ecstasy during the tour.” 

The student body also voiced excitement over the addition of the zip-line.

“Before classes were fully online, it was incredibly annoying walking all the way to the north side of campus for class,” said Claire Kim, a junior living in the Warring apartments. “Each morning I would wake up freezing, put on a sweatshirt, and next thing I knew, by the time I got to lecture I was sweaty from the walk. I never took the 51B because even though I’ve been at Cal for three years, I still haven’t ever seen it come to the bus stop on time. That’s why I’m so excited to take the zip-line. It’ll always be there, it’s eco-friendly, and will make going to class each day a literal thrill. I don’t know why they didn’t think of this sooner.”  

The Bancroft zip-line is estimated to save 20 broken bones and 500 wrecked shoe treads from scooters and skaters once erected.

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