BERKELEY, Calif. — In his latest public safety update, Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher has informed the Berkeley campus community of another impending hazard.
“Dear faculty, staff and students,” Vice Chancellor Fisher wrote in an email to the Berkeley community. “The lightbulb in my night light has gone out. Currently, the Likelihood of Monsters Under My Bed (LMUB) has increased to a staggering 72 percent, which is in the ‘Very Scary’ category. The campus Crisis Management Team is monitoring the situation and assures me that no monsters will get me. At this time, we recommend that all employees and students in the Berkeley area prepare to run to CVS and get me a replacement light bulb, and maybe some chocolate milk to help me calm down. In the meantime, we will continue to keep all extremities underneath the blankie, where they are safe. For more information, see the dark spooky space underneath my bed, where we believe any potential monsters to be lurking.
Thank you for your understanding.
Vice Chancellor, Administration.”
Some administrators have questioned the validity of these monster-related fears.
“Oh Marc, that little rascal, always so afraid,” explained Chancellor Carol Christ. “Why, it feels like just yesterday that he asked if the fires were going to be harmful to students. Air quality this, rolling blackouts that. Always such a worrywart! I tell him, ‘honey, in my day college students breathed smoke for fun, now you’re worried about ‘em? Ha!’ But really though, he’s my special little guy; I just want what’s best for him. If that means an advisory email, it means an advisory email; if that means a night light, it means a night light. Anything for my Marky-Poo.”
As administrators send students warnings, the local monster community seems relatively unfazed.
“I’m gonna fuck him up,” reported Howard, the monster currently living under Vice Chancellor Fisher’s bed. “Normally I’d just chill around, waiting to do my thing, then boom— a little sculpture of Lightning McQueen blasts blinding light straight into my eyes. Now though, oh ho ho. No Lightning McQueen, no blinding. If that brat’s foot is sticking out from the blanket, I’m gonna make my move. No mercy, no remorse. I think this is a major step not only for me, but also for all monsters who want to terrorize at the university level.”
As of press time, the Student Affairs office is anticipating a tantrum if Vice Chancellor Fisher doesn’t get to watch How to Train Your Dragon 2 for the fourth goddamn night in a row. Updates to come.