BERKELEY, Calif. – In a world plagued by, well, plague, UC Berkeley has found itself home to one of the nation’s few unaware communities.

“There’s a WHAT going on?!? Oh… oh NO,” reported Ryan Searcy, Director of AFX Molepeople. “We had gone down to the bottom of Underhill to practice and I didn’t want us leaving until everything was perfect. So of course this one kid, Kevin, couldn’t hit his marks on the trap remix of ‘Sugar We’re Goin Down.’ Boom, 12 months fly by, and suddenly my body rejects any glimpse of natural sunlight. We never would’ve left if the rescue team hadn’t found us.”

Some members of the team took their isolation harder than others.

“At first, I thought practice was just going long, but then I knew something had gone wrong” commented Kevin Shun, still recovering from the location shift in a hospital bed. “Everyone else was locked in rhythm, but I remained stumbling, out of time, out of sync. Repetition one I thought it was my fault; repetition two, I thought it was due to poor instruction; repetition three, I came to believe I was locked in Sisyphean limbo. Would this forever be my purgatory? Would it be my personal hell? Only I, it seemed, was damned to know the true reality of the duration I was trapped below. My mind never felt alone. The music violated it, always a voyeur into what was once my sanctum of thought. Never was I to be free from the Underhill void. Never was I to be free again. I was slowly absorbed into the hubbub of the hoi polloi. I became one of them. At once I was locked in and at once the rescuers tried to pry me out. After the atrocities we felt I came to see: We are not human…We are dancer.”

The head of the rescue team was shocked by the revelation of Berkeley’s unknown mole people.

“Oh boy, being in the dark sure is scary. Trust me, I would know,” explained Vice Chancellor and Rescue Team Captain Marc Fisher. “We had heard accounts of Carly Rae Jepsen music traveling up from deep underground, but brushed them off as hallucinations that everybody’s subconscious experiences at one point or another. It was only after reports of giant creatures scurrying away from car headlights that we decided to go investigate. Ultimately, the only way to lure the team away from their speakers was with a carefully-planned trail of individual boba pearls leading out of the structure.”

At press time, Fisher’s rescue team was working on extricating another team from Eshleman.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.