MIAMI, Fla. — 2021 spring breakers, including UC Berkeley senior Brett Bennett, present a new, somehow-even-more-dangerous-than-normal-year-spring-breakers threat to the communities they reside in and visit, sources report.
“Just me and the homies Chet, Juliette, Klett, and Cishett kickin’ it in the 305!” Bennett captioned a maskless Instagram photo of a crowded beachside bar. “Taking fat rips and vibin to stanky beats with these idiots to remember our 500,000 fallen muchachos. #RIP to them, but don’t worry about us: we’re all vaccinated!” wrote Brett, who has not been vaccinated. “Haha, #BLM.”
The photo captured one member of the friend group, Juliette Barett, spitting directly into the face of Lisa Thomson, a waitress at Señor Frog’s.
“Don’t get me wrong: life is a precious gift from mother Gaia that we have to cherish,” explained Barett, “but I’m pretty sure that waitress skank is a Virgo, so she had it coming. She brought me a margarita with SALT on the RIM, when I specifically asked for NO salt on the rim. Do you know how much fat is in salt??? When I sent it back she tried to bring me the same drink poured into a clean glass. Umm hello? I could still taste the salt! You literally cannot blame me for spitting on her. If she’s so fucking afraid of COVID, she shouldn’t be working at all.”
For employees like Lisa Stilton, however, the situation isn’t so simple.
“I’m just trying to pay rent and tuition,” Stilton, who is studying neuroscience at the University of Miami, claimed. “I don’t want to be here — it’s my spring break too, and I’m not eligible for a vaccine yet — but I was at least hoping to get some decent tips from drunk tourists. All of a sudden those weirdly hot kids come in and spat on me. They even left a negative tip, so I had to pay out-of-pocket for all of their drinks and onion rings. I didn’t even know you could do that!”
The friend group was last seen licking every available surface on their return flight to SFO with commemorative shot glasses in hand and masks under nose.