BERKELEY, Calif. — With hopes of having Fall 2021 games be attended in-person, Cal football has announced its giveaway lineup. This upcoming season’s giveaways include the Coronavirus vaccine, an Oski plush, the elixir of life, a shitty T-shirt, and a chance at winning a pair of Airpod Pros.
“Cal football games historically have atrocious turnouts,” says man with eyes and Cal athletic director Jim Knowlton. “We think we can get a lot of students who normally would need to be paid to go to the games to attend purely because of the free vaccinations. Plus, based on the NFL’s policies during the pandemic and the willingness of its fans to come to games in person it seems that there is potentially a lot of overlap between anti-vaxxers and game attendees. Everyone knows that a fan can’t say no to a free giveaway, so we should be able to vaccinate a lot of people who otherwise wouldn’t trust the science. ”
While the Covid vaccine is an alluring giveaway item, the elixir of life also has generated a lot of excitement amongst future attendees.
“This is going to be the year we finally catch He Who Must Not Be Named,” assures UC Berkeley Quidditch Team member Petunia Smolbean. “While it is rumored that You Know Who has been quarantining in Albania, I think the allure of the elixir of life will be enough to get him to show up for the Big Game. It’s common knowledge that the Dark Lord went to Stanford, and I bet the possibility of seeing his alma mater team win in addition to obtaining immortality will convince him to come out of hiding. With the help of the Cal Quidditch team, he doesn’t stand a chance.”
Unfortunately, it is predicted that neither you nor your neighbor who blasts music until 3:00 AM every Wednesday will win the pair of Airpod Pros, despite you both desperately needing them.