BERKELEY, Calif. — Six students were reportedly injured after a small fire broke out during a party last night at Berkeley’s fraternity chapter of Mu Xi Alpha. While the victims only suffered minor injuries, many first responders expressed their dismay at how people even managed to get hurt in such an insignificant fire.

“For Christ’s sake! It [the fire] started from a giant bowl of Jungle Juice spilling into an electrical outlet. That’s like a Molotov Cocktail, but instead of using a highly flammable, high-proof alcohol as fuel, it was a hardly safe-to-consume mixture of 70% fruit punch, 20% ice, 9% backwash and hand sweat, and 1% Costco Kirkland Vodka that probably had the alcohol content of iced Kombucha,” one firefighter revealed. 

Speaking with students who attended the party, however, paints a clearer picture of the chaotic scene inside Mu Xi Alpha’s greatest tragedy since not winning Mr. Alpha Phi. One brother recalls frantically trying to usher students out of the house and extinguish the fires while being met with resistance from some partygoers. 

“This girl, Becky. Her leggings were on fire. I yelled at her to stop, drop, and roll, but she just turned around calmly and told me, ‘Oh my god… no… you want me?… to roll?… on that disgusting floor?… You don’t know what nasty stuff has been on that floor. No way, haha.’” 

Other partygoers cited similar concerns, like, “Eh, I don’t know if it’s worth touching that,” and “What if I get stuck to the floor?” 

Thankfully, however, everyone eventually made it out safely and those hurt are expected to make a speedy and full recovery. Additionally, while parts of the house were damaged, most in the community see this new “mildly scorched” look as an obvious upgrade to the previous interior design disaster of sports flags and old cut-out beer cases on the walls.

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