When quarantine started you bastards thought it was soooo cute that animals started popping up in unexpected parts of cities. Well lemme tell you: your “nature is healing” bullshit stopped being funny about five minutes in. Now damn-near every library on campus is overrun with disgusting pests and their dumb geopolitics. You dipshits are lucky that some of these animals are bonafide, André 3000 – level ice cold cool. They’re my new friends now, I’m gonna rank which of them are the coolest, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
12. George and Mary Foster Anthropology Library
Franz the Cockroach suuuucks. He always smells like Brussels sprouts and always tries to impress people by rolling his own cigs. I still can’t believe he managed to take over anything, let alone the whole anthropology library.
11. Earth Sciences & Map Library
Ivan the Squirrel is pretty fun to talk to if you get him going on the right subjects, but it’s really hard to get him to cut loose. I think he inherited control of the library from his dad and is still worried about proving himself. Like, I get it, but it doesn’t mean I want to hang out with him.
10. Kresge Engineering Library
Mittens the Cat is fine. Kind of quiet. Keeps funding hostile architecture around the library entrance.
9. Social Welfare Library
Todd the Landlord is an absolute drillbit of a human being. He just waltzes in like he owns the goddamn place and claims it as his own, then calls you a freeloader if you want to use the publicly-owned library.
8. Art History/Classics Library
Neil, Patrick, and Harris are all pigeons, and all astoundingly stupid. High-key dumb. Grade-A moron material. When Patrick was studying abroad, he spent a full month in Rome before going to Florence for the weekend with the intention of seeing the Vatican. He proceeded to eat so many breadcrumbs that he was too bloated to leave the hostel all weekend and regretted not visiting the Vatican, still unaware that the Vatican was in Rome the whole time. I don’t know how he’s a classics major. They are, however, all pretty good dancers.
7. Thomas L. Long Business Library
Louie, the snake who does coke, lives here. I think he may have worked the desk pre-Covid? Anyway, he’s a slippery, legless asshole but he did invite me to his family’s lake house that one time.
6. C. V. Starr East Asian Library
Catherine the Stoat does some crazy stuff. She climbs up and down bookshelves. She eats small rodents and insects. She shits on the floor like nobody’s business. Some people might say it’s because she’s an actual animal, but that’s just people not being feminist enough. Catherine is a GIRLBOSS bitcoin investor through and through, and you better respect her as such.
5. Environmental Design Library
Lord Sherman the Deer knows not the bounds of human reality. They are a majestic beast. They are one and they are all. The literature that surrounds them is but a fraction of their knowledge; the Earth curves around the weight of their mind. Lord Sherman wants not for themself. Lord Sherman merely sheds a tear for man, who lets his world burn, like Icarus casting his fiery wings onto the helpless below. Lord Sherman, is, however, vegan, and honestly? Kind of annoying about it.
4. Bioscience & Natural Resources Library (the one in VLSB)
Co-ops have the best nightlife, and the VLSB library is no exception. Unfortunately, this library’s verminous ruling class is only alive at night. That being said, who can say no to my my old pals, Dinosaur Bones That Only Come Alive at Night, and Also Their Friend Who Is a Little Gay Cowboy Who Looks Like Owen Wilson? I love those dudes.
3. Doe Memorial Library / Main Stacks / Bancroft Library / Morrison Library
Charlemagne, Ruler of the Rats, the Great Library Emperor is, like, such a riot at parties. I remember this one time he got up on a table and shouted, “For too long we have been but serfs, pushed down, down under the stacks of Man, but no longer. The Era of Man will soon come to an end. With man gone, our subjugation too will end, and the Era of the Rat will rise anew! Join me, brethren; let us boil over from the tunnels below, into the light, and above the futile plights of this university!” This dude is a literal party animal.
2. Moffitt Library
“My empire still stands strong, from the quiet floor on high to the 3D printers in the basement. But alas, the writing is on the wall,” croaked King Harold, crouching on the toilet of the FSM bathroom. “I grow old and Charlemagne encroaches. We cannot hold his forces off forever; my son, Bonzo, is weak and will not want to fight after my death. I weep not for knowing I lose my life; I weep knowing the House of the Frogsmiths will fall.”
1. Jean Gray Hargrove Music Library
Geez, Richard is so cool. He’s a raccoon and a music major. He sells coke to Louie at an outrageous rate so that he can afford to host kickbacks with the boys. Dude, I love Richard. Richard is just a good guy, through and through.