BERKELEY, Calif. — The Eye of Sauron has appeared over the Campanile, yet no one in the community appears to be significantly bothered or surprised. 

“Oh boohoo, the ruler of Mordor is now looking at everything I do,” sarcastically exclaimed sophomore Derrick Quincy. “My TikTok For You Page is clearly based on things I say out loud, and Bcourses can monitor how much time I spend on their website. I clearly don’t have any privacy, why should I care if Sauron is looking at me too? At least he’s upfront and honest about it, unlike everyone else.”

Others seem to be in denial that the Eye exists. 

“Yeah right, Sauron is real and his eye is hovering above the Campanile,” drunkenly slurred Trevor McKinley as he shotgunned a Natty Light on the front steps of Theta Chi. “Next you’re gonna be telling l me that there is a global pandemic. Or that it isn’t March 17th, 2020. Gimme me a break buddy. I’ll believe it when Marjorie Taylor Greene tweets it.”

While the Eye has not attracted much attention, the search for the Great Ring of Power has captured the interest of many students.

“If the Eye is lurking in Berkeley, the Ring can’t be far,” says Casa Zimbabwe member Trinity Baggend. “Do you know how annoying it is to clean the bathrooms in my co-op? If I could find the One Ring to rule them all and miraculously disappear for a while when I’m on cleaning duty…”

The UCPD has warned the campus community to beware of hooded Nazgûl patrolling the streets on alpacas. 

At press time, students were hoping for a ruggedly handsome ranger who is responsible for the sexual awakening of millions to appear brooding in a dimly lit corner of Cafe Strada.

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