BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite anecdotal evidence of fraternities being COVID hotbeds, a report by the Interfraternity Council suggests otherwise.
“Stop lying to the people, dude,” IFC President Frankie Lyman told immunologists. “I went to every frat on this row and counted personally every case face-to-face: 5 after I went to Phi Psi, 7 after I went to DKE, 7 after I went to Theta Chi, and 7 after I went to FIJI. Seven cases across all of Greek life is some primo statistics right there. If my calculus is correct,” explained Lyman, who had just bought the answers to a Math 1B quiz in exchange for bids, “that makes getting COVID only the 4th most dangerous thing to do at a frat, right between playing True American and showing emotions other than anger or joy.”
Junior computer science major and Chi Phi brother Julian Blake corroborates Lyman’s analysis.
“It’s not as cut and dry as our critics seem to think,” reported Blake, half-zipping up his Patagonia quarter-zip. “We’ve literally just made up the evidence showing that the frats are safe, so it’s the latest data anyone’s got. Listen, it’s like I tell my clients at the consulting club: I might not be qualified to answer your questions, but that doesn’t mean I can’t lie to you. So it’s gonna be fine.”
Campus sororities seemed less defensive about the alleged outbreak.
“We are proud to announce a late addition to our Potential New Members,” KKG President Lauren Hill (no relation) told residents of her house. “Rona is a fun, 19-year-old sagittarius who likes to travel and party. Also, she is, like, so funny. Instead of having my say ‘that’s so funny’ at her jokes, she has me actually wheezing. In her spare time, she volunteers at hospitals and retirement homes. Let’s put our hands together for a warm welcome!”
At press time, Lyman and Blake had been seen tastelessly purchasing Safeway’s whole supply of Corona Light.