BERKELEY, Calif. – The decades-long battle against the university over People’s Park is gaining traction once again, aided by a new initiative to make the park a Regents’ Scholar.
“I am more than ready to demolish the park,” stated UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ. “But if it were to receive a Regents Scholarship. . .that would change things. Why,” she said, eyes welling, “Those Regents’ Scholars are my little sweethearts.” She sniffed. “‘Mama,’ they ask, ‘can I have early enrollment?’” Her voice trembled as she said emphatically, “Of course, sugar. And they say, ‘Mama, I want a nice double in Blackwell.’” She grabbed a tissue. “Done and done. People say I spoil them, but what my baby wants, my baby gets. It seems like just yesterday they were little freshmen trying to cut off their GBO wristbands. Oh,” she blew her nose, “How the time flies.”
Still in support of building over the park is the director of communications for UC Berkeley’s Capital Strategies, Heim A. Dick.
“Listen,” spat Dick, “We gotta build. Our plans for this development are fantastic. A 180-foot tall structure that makes Unit 2 look like a little bitch is just what we need to revitalize the area. And don’t worry, there’s gonna be a memorial to honor the events of 1969 and the founding of the park. After all, People’s Park is a cornerstone of Berkeley culture and community, and it’s historically linked to the Free Speech movement. So. . . maybe a plaque or some shit? Seeing as we’re stomping all over the place, we obviously don’t care about any of that,” he said, taking a swig of coffee and spilling some on his shirt. He shook his head and chuckled. “Mondays, am I right?”
Ash Hole, a member of the project’s design team, also gave his blessing.
“We understand that there’s an entire community of folks that call People’s Park their home. It sanctuarizes various residents, serves as a community hub, and provides a space for consistent free food and clothing distribution. And because we understand that, we’re throwing in a nice little grassy area that you can do absolutely none of those activities on.” He smiled. “I hate my wife. What?”
Unable to comment was Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher, who just had a bad nightmare and needed to go drink some warm milk in Chancellor Christ’s bed.