BERKELEY, Calif. – Aiming to better navigate the student body’s virtual college experience, Berkeley’s Office of Undergraduate Research released a survey last month regarding student coping mechanisms in the face of pandemic-era workloads. The results of said study, representative Omar Smith claims, were astounding. “We expected students to report higher levels of alcohol and marijuana consumption, of course,” he reported in a zoom conference Wednesday, “We even had options on the survey for harder drugs: cocaine, acid, the likes. But we never anticipated the amount of ketamine our student body especially the Greek life demographic is consuming. It’s concerning, actually.” 

SK sister and media studies major Layla Newsom claims that “Ketamine is the best! I just get so exhausted from sitting on the couch in my sorority and eating my chef’s prepared meals all week. Sometimes you just need to escape from reality for a while, ya know?” When pressed further, Layla refused comment on the financial means through which she supports her ketamine habit. 

DKE pledge and ex-high school varsity soccer player Michael Benton reports that the drug, which, if the reader isn’t already familiar, is a fucking horse tranquilizer, is “really necessary.” “I feel so much better taking K than coke at this point. After a while you don’t go back. Plus, with everything going on, it’s just more fun, ya know?” The Free Peach, in fact, does not know, and is unsure as to why ketamine users in Greek life expect reporters to so intimately understand and relate to their drug habits.

The Office of Undergraduate Research does not plan to roll out any programs relating to the high levels of ketamine consumption in the student body. In a statement released following their Wednesday conference, the Office claimed that “the outlandish number of people who pay thousands of dollars to participate in Greek life seems to closely correlate with the number of people who pay thousands of dollars to consume these sorts of drugs on a weekly basis. We assume that they will be fine paying for whatever repercussions these drugs may cause later on.” 

The Free Peach doesn’t condone drug use. Well, maybe we do, but only if you’re cool and most certainly not if you’re in Greek life.

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