BERKELEY, Calif. – In a win for women everywhere, Unit 2 RA Jessica Poole has just written up some freshman for alcohol possession. 

“When Jessica saw me walking down the hallways with a handle of Vodka of the Gods, she was like ‘I’m gonna write you up’ and I was like ‘oh no don’t do that’,” freshman Liam Ross reported from his Febreze-encrusted bunk bed. “But then she reminded me that she was a woman and the whole scenario changed. She’s not just my RA trying to narc on me; she’s a girlboss! I would be neglecting my duty as a liberal if I questioned her use of power or the structures that support it.”

Jessica’s mother, Linda, was proud to hear of her daughter’s achievement.

“Oh, Jessica, that’s my girl! She’s a strong, some might even say fierce, girlboss!” Linda shouted while drawing love hearts around a framed picture of Margaret Thatcher. “From the day Jessica was born, I’ve been training her to be a self-made girlboss RA in her own right, just like me and my mother before me. Why, ever since her first word was ‘boss,’ I’ve been telling her ‘No, not just boss — girlboss. The confines of this ever-encroaching glass box we call society will never let you be a boss in your own right.’ I’m glad she finally listened!”

Vice President Kamala Harris, a girlboss in her own right, has drawn further attention to Poole’s actions.

“I’m proud to say Ms. Poole is set to be the youngest-ever recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom!” Harris announced at a White House press conference. “She has reminded us that regardless of substance use, sex life, or even if you’re a little bit late for class sometimes, someone with the smallest amount of power is happy to ruin your life. The whole nation should watch as Ms. Poole inevitably founds the next Refinery 29 or Theranos. Go Elizabeth, and, as always, slay!”

Having just heard of a vacancy at a recently-disgraced media outlet, Jessica had fulfilled her dream of being offered a glass-cliff editor-in-chief position. 

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