TAHOE CITY, Calif. – Recent research by the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that nearly 60% of your friends have gone skiing in the past six weeks.

“The method is pretty simple,” explained Professor Brooke Powter. “Combining sales data from Tahoe, Mammoth, and Big Bear, along with data from your social media feeds, it looks like everybody went skiing and nobody invited you. As such, there is significant (p < 0.05) evidence that you are a loser. Curiously, although we’re already several weeks into the semester, the prevalence of ski pics on social media has yet to decline. It might even be increasing! At the current rate, we expect skiing videos to take up a startling 92% of Instagram stories by 2022.” 

Slope-bound students were quick to explain their actions.

“Bruh, I live in Cali, the only state where you can surf and ski in the same day,” reported Aspen Lodge, President of the Cal Ski Team, while completing her third cocoa thermos of the day. “So don’t be silly, of course I’m gonna send it. Hit the powder at dawn, ski until my ACLs are about to tear, then pretend to watch lecture recordings like any other student. Hell, maybe even hop back to Berkeley for a slice of Sliver. Who’s to say I can’t lock down in two places anyway? I figure if I’m gonna be stuck inside all day with quarantine, I might as well do it outside.”

The remaining 40% of students seem surprised about the sport’s sudden surge in popularity.

“I didn’t even know half of these people skied, but all of a sudden: boom, it’s on everybody’s stories,” reported sophomore Tyler Goldberg. “I’m from Connecticut, where it actually snows, but only, like, three people from my whole high school skied. Hell, two of them were named Brock! How did you all become double-black diamond experts out of nowhere? Is this supposed to be a flex? Am I supposed to be intimidated? Stop it! I’m from Connecticut, I’m supposed to be better than you!”

At press time, the National Park Service was shifting focus to reinforcing all trails in the Golden Gate National Recreation Area for an influx of spring photo shoots.

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