PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — A disaster of the girthiest scale struck this morning as the tradition of the most anticipated celebration of the year, Groundhog Day, was broken. The beloved groundhog’s shadow, there to indicate what season soon awaits us, was not seen by anyone today. Unfortunately, his massive, horse cock penis blocked the view.
The lack of shadow visibility wrought absolute chaos, for how shall we know the weather now? Will there be an early spring? Or will winter persist for six more weeks? The groundhog sees all. But not today. Today, all we saw was one large penis, one that hogged the attention over what the holiday is truly all about: world peace. And the quaint reminder that yes, the jumbled alphabet soup of the town Punxsutawney still exists.
Punxsutawney Phil, as the groundhog is affectionately known, was asked to comment. His only response was, with a quick glance up and down and a cheeky lip bite, “If you show me your shadow, I’ll show you mine. Ahaha aha.”
Perhaps the message we are left with is not one of tragedy and broken tradition, but rather one of persistence: seasons come and go, but the power of good dick is forever.
Happy Groundhog Day!