BERKELEY, Calif. – Freshman Edgar Fontaine, after staring at a blank, blindingly white Google Docs document for 2 hours, came to the grappling realization this evening that the club he recently joined entails doing actual work.
“I didn’t sign up for this,” said Fontaine, who was definitely seen taking his sweet-ass time strolling up and down Sather Lane, whoring out his email to whichever saucy tabler would take it.
Fontaine’s current task is to compile research on oil consumption in Bolivia for CalPIRG. After that, he has to draft an amicus brief to get a falsely-accused dolphin smuggler out of prison for Cal ACLU.
“Everyone told me to get involved with campus, but I thought they were just exaggerating!” Fontaine yelped as his bCal notified him of another scheduled ASUC Superb meeting. “It’s one thing to think about joining something, it’s another when you actually have to start doing it. I’m not even Armenian!” Fontaine scandalously admitted after receiving an invite to the Cal Armenian Student Association social.
“In high school, clubs were all about shits and giggles, y’know. We didn’t actually have to do anything.” Fontaine pondered. “Maybe next time, I’ll join a consulting club.”
Moffitt Library custodian Trent Whittaker even witnessed Fontaine trying to get some work done late last night.
“He was just absently scrolling on his phone and muttering something about needing to submit a routine for the Cal Taiko club. But he was sitting so still, and doing such little actual work, that he really slipped my notice. I almost vacuumed him up by mistake, honestly.”
With only his demons and the blank Google Doc to face, Fontaine had one last comment on the matter: “I don’t even want to think about what I’m gonna write for The Free Peach.”