São Paulo, Brazil – In a highly contested election, the United States has officially lost its re-election to Lula de Silva, despite multiple destabilization efforts, a pseudo-military intervention, and the wishes of a few wealthy Brazilian immigrants.
“Some people just cannot be helped. In fact, they don’t want to be helped. The citizens of Brazil want to live in a state where they can’t vote and lack basic freedom, so they decided to vote for a state where they can’t vote and lack basic freedom. We got Kari Lake to verify the election results, and Lula still won, so clearly they just want to be oppressed,” said the White House’s press secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre.
When pressed about the US’ further plans for Brazil’s relations, Jean-Pierre continued by saying, “Oh, we have ideas. I think we will stick to our tried and true method of sanctions that cut them off from the rest of the world so we can convince everyone that their political system is a failure when in reality they are just unable to engage within global trade as a result of our actions. And before cancel culture takes this out of context – we all know it’s not a war crime when the US does it.”
To the chagrin of the CIA, a few days after unofficial results were released, Jair Bolsonaro ultimately decided to accept his “loss” and proclaim the results “legitimate.”
“Look, I just don’t get why he couldn’t have waited a few more days,” said the CIA Director of Extrajudicial Killings, SIKE U THOUGHT. “There’s a whole process and paperwork, you know? I just got a little caught up with our annual Haitian retreat and forgot to execute the order officially, but honestly, I think that’s on him. Like, take Trump for example – I promised him I would get the paperwork done in exchange for [something corrupt]. Do I ever plan to execute Order 66? No, obviously not, I’m not a war criminal. Anyways, I already bribed the Democrats to let me use Prince Charles’ corpse to take over Freedonia, Weekend at Bernie’s style, so even if I wanted to I couldn’t. But I appreciate Trump’s stamina.”