BERKELEY, Calif. — Notorious strong-armed robber Burlap Sachs was arrested this evening while struggling to open the door to the Taco Bell Cantina on Durant Avenue.

“I was initially terrified, but then I started to feel a little bit of second-hand embarrassment for the guy,” reported Taco Bell customer Stefan Shah. “Like obviously I didn’t want me or the Taco Bell to get robbed, but it was pretty brutal watching the guy fail to open the door. He tried with one hand at first, and then when both didn’t work he put his feet up against the wall to try to pry it open, but it just wouldn’t budge. He was so drained from trying to open it he had no energy to run away from the cops when they got there.” 

Taco Bell manager Belle Gastonne reflected on the almost harrowing experience.

“We at the Taco Bell Cantina are aware that our door is pretty heavy. We’re also aware that our customers are bombarded with a blast of air whenever they open the door to leave our restaurant. The primary purpose of the door being heavy is to make customers feel weak so they are more likely to buy our new protein-style beans. I am, however, also aware that the Taco Bell Cantina has had significantly fewer instances of robbery than our neighbors Feng Cha,Top Dog, and La Burrita. I’m glad it was used to apprehend Burrlapp Sachs, he’s been plaguing our community for months. Unfortunately, the blast of air our customers feel when they open the door is out of our control. A ghost haunts our store. We don’t know how to get rid of it. All we know is that it goes by Steve.”

At press time Sachs was failing at opening his jail cell door, despite it being accidentally left unlocked.


Image by Amanda Ramirez for the Daily Californian. 

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