As I’m sure many are aware, the number of coronavirus cases in California has reached an unprecedented level of severity, warranting a government-mandated curfew and a number of other precautionary measures. This is all fine, dandy, and probably necessary, but what about me? As a young, sexy, 20-something, I believe that Governor Newsom should take into consideration my own volatile emotional state, and perhaps make an exception to the whole no-school rule in the case of Berkeley High School.
Coupled with the exponential growth in cases, there’s been an alarming rise in the number of young people lollygagging on Telegraph during daylight (what should be SCHOOLTIME) hours. When someone like me (supposed to be the main character) makes the already aggravating trek to Telegraph to get some boba or get their shattered phone screen fixed, they’re immediately visually assaulted by groups of sixteen year olds hanging out in crop tops and cool jeans. Where do they get those outfits? One might think. Do they think my outfit is ok? Are they laughing at me when I walk past them? They’re definitely not, right? The experience is intensely visceral, and bad enough to make an individual question whether or not they should even show their pathetic little face and mediocre outfit ever again.
Should this secondhand experience not be convincing enough, I implore Newsom to visit the area himself. Perhaps he won’t mind the intimidating, well-outfitted groups in line at Mars Vintage, but there is no way he will deny the necessity of reopening Berkeley High when he encounters the young skaters on Lower Sproul. Armed with nothing but poorly-fitted sweatshirts, obnoxiously loud skateboards, and camera equipment, these youths will stop at absolutely nothing to make anyone over the age of 18 uncomfortable. Newsom will literally crumble at the hands of these teens and their weird obsession with making skate videos RIGHT NEXT to the innocent pedestrians waiting for the 51B.
I care about the Berkeley community, and because of my worry about our declining emotional state, I beg the government to reopen Berkeley High. Please, please, keep those kids away from anywhere I might visit.