BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent publicity stunt, infamous Cal quarterback Chase Garbers, came searingly close to mimicking Cal football alum (’04) and Greenbay Packers …
Professor Crawls Out of His Own Asshole to Hold Your Midterm a Day After Halloween
BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …
Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones
BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …
How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying
The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.
No. You do care.
But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan.
Cal Greeks Lament Vaccines for Making Frat Parties Safer
Though recent vaccinations have catapulted Southside Berkeley into an era where the phrase “I know a brother” no longer doubles as a form of contact …
Produce-Related Pickup Lines to Try On That Hot Cashier With the Gauge
Produce-Related Pickup Lines to Try On That Hot Cashier With the Gauge: Are you a vegan-chocolate-covered-raisin? Because I can think of a few things …
5 Pairs of Statement Earrings That Say “I Only Dress Up For Trader Joe’s to Impress Other Hot Queers”
But you’re forgetting something. You turn around. How could you forget? How are they supposed to know that you, too, are not completely straight.
Tell Us Your Professor’s Zoom Background and We’ll Tell You What Dry Grocery Makes Them Cry For Their Youth
On Zoom, some professors sport a blazer and some appear each morning as though they just shoved their head into a blender and awoke from …
Stampede of Berkeley Bisexuals Coming for Your Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream
Berkeley, CALIF. — Repeatedly in the past week, Berkeley residents reported seeing a frenzied yet emotionally-calming flock of approximately 200 students–all wearing turtlenecks and toting …
Man Decides This the Year to Be Politically Active in Wake of Favorite Strip Club Closing Down
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local first-time-voter Gerald Thompson decided to participate in November’s election out of ‘absolute necessity,’ after local establishment WunderLust Gentleman’s Club closed last …