BERKELEY, Calif. – Local first-time-voter Gerald Thompson decided to participate in November’s election out of ‘absolute necessity,’ after local establishment WunderLust Gentleman’s Club closed last Wednesday, close sources reported.
“Listen, I don’t care about politics, the way the sun shines, or even my ex-wife’s goddamn custody scheme. You name it–I don’t care. 2020 has been a great year for me, smooth sailing, other than that stripper Destiny leaving for Vegas,” said the 56-year-old while thumbing through a stack of ballot-measure info-packets and adult film subscriptions. “But Wunderlust? Wunderlust is where I draw the line. It’s the worst thing that’s happened in a decade. And I’ve only just started in politics, but it doesn’t take an idiot to know that if a strip club–of all things–had to close down, the economy’s a mess. We need a president who can actually handle the money, like a real business-guy. Crooked old Washington can’t take away my right to a 5-dollar-Tuesday-night-lap dance.”
Some employees have reacted positively to Thompson’s newfound interest in politics.
“I am just so proud of Gerald, since he’s going out to fight for us, you know,” said dancer Chardonnay Rose. “I know in my heart that when he fills out that ballot, he’s voting with the best interest of women all over the country in mind.”
Thompson’s best friend, also a Wunderlust regular, is very supportive of his friend’s newfound passion.
“Gerald’s right. The truth is we are outraged,” said George Gray, pulling at his ‘Boobies Make Me Smile’ t-shirt. “I also never really voted, except for that Clinton saxophone guy – all them were too hard on him for that whole intern thing. But now I think I might vote again. I want people running this country who want what I want, which is limitless access to naked women. We can vote for that, right? We need our voices heard.”
Club owners currently doubt the reopening of the establishment regardless of the election’s outcome, but they are encouraged by their enthusiastic client base.
“Men like us don’t have representation in American politics,” Thompson remarked. “But that’s going to change. We’re calling for equality. We want someone in the White House who thinks like us, who shares our needs, our outlooks, our sophistication. Most of the country doesn’t see women in the same way we see women, and we need someone running the country who does. Liberation!”