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Month: October 2020

Posted on October 29, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Answer My Riddles Three and I’ll Help You Find the Lost Booty of Captain RobBeard Reich

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Posted on October 28, 2020September 11, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Stampede of Berkeley Bisexuals Coming for Your Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream

Berkeley, CALIF. — Repeatedly in the past week, Berkeley residents reported seeing a frenzied yet emotionally-calming flock of approximately 200 students–all wearing turtlenecks and toting …

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Posted on October 27, 2020October 7, 2021 by: Daniella Rosen

LinkedIn Networking Event Ends in Tragedy

According to multiple, visibly shaken sources, a virtual LinkedIn networking event held on Saturday night by Berkeley Haas Students in Haas ended in shambles when …

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Posted on October 23, 2020October 23, 2020 by: The Free Peach

L&S Alpaca Doubles Grad School Matriculation Rate

BERKELEY, Calif. — In recent years, the College of Letters & Sciences has ramped up its advising capabilities by holding events where students can connect …

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Posted on October 22, 2020October 22, 2020 by: Sam MacKinnon

Tiffany Trump Comes Out as 50 Year Old ‘Cool Aunt’ on Booze Cruise Following Pride Gig

Following her appearance at a Pride event for her father, Tiffany Trump came under fire for her general asshattery and lack of knowledge about the …

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Posted on October 21, 2020April 23, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Top 10 Spots for Socially-Distant Dates on Campus

2020 has been hard. Pandemic is upon us, democracy is crumbling, and you haven’t gotten slammed over the handicap support bar of a Buffalo Wild …

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Posted on October 20, 2020May 6, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

Clark Kerr Freshman Reports Understanding Poverty for First Time After Running Out of Flex Dollars Mid-Semester

BERKELEY, Calif. — Julia White, a freshman living at Clark Kerr who recently ran out of flex dollars, reported that, for the first time in …

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Posted on October 16, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Jennifer Doudna Claims Nobel Parking Spot in the Middle of Bancroft

BERKELEY, Calif. – Southside traffic reached a record high this week as Professor Jennifer Doudna parked her car across every lane of Bancroft Way.  “Try …

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Posted on October 13, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team

CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …

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Posted on October 13, 2020September 11, 2021 by: lyamashir01

Man Decides This the Year to Be Politically Active in Wake of Favorite Strip Club Closing Down

BERKELEY, Calif. – Local first-time-voter Gerald Thompson decided to participate in November’s election out of ‘absolute necessity,’ after local establishment WunderLust Gentleman’s Club closed last …

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