According to multiple, visibly shaken sources, a virtual LinkedIn networking event held on Saturday night by Berkeley Haas Students in Haas ended in shambles when two students reportedly emerged from their breakout group as friends rather than online connections. 

Before Saturday night, Benjamin Hager and Martin Scorsese were two strangers with only their intended-business majors in common. In an exclusive joint interview, they shared that they were both ecstatic to receive an invitation to the coveted, public Facebook event and thought of it as a perfect opportunity to meet more like-minded students. If they had only read past the Terms & Privacy section of the Facebook event page, they would have seen the text that remarked, “This event is exclusively for the augmentation of one’s LinkedIn network. Any discussion outside of one’s elevator pitch will not be tolerated. The punishment for such a violation is death by guillotine.” 

One attendee of the event, Sarah Parker, shared in an email, “it was obvious as soon as the breakout groups ended that Ben and Martin had shared personal information outside of the one formulated fun fact that we include in our elevator pitch to add personality.” The two sophomores were reportedly privately chatting with one another and had also become mutual Instagram followers.

After the fair and just court trial that Berkeley Haas Students in Haas grants to all individuals with over 30 connections, they declared that they would proceed with the proper punishment for the “illegal making of friends at a school-sponsored event.” As the organization has also pledged themselves to the safety and health of all Berkeley students, they are limiting attendance of the event to solely the executioner and the two criminal underclassmen who will be beheaded.

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