Berkeley, CALIF. — Repeatedly in the past week, Berkeley residents reported seeing a frenzied yet emotionally-calming flock of approximately 200 students–all wearing turtlenecks and toting cloth Trader Joe’s bags–running through the streets of Berkeley, rummaging through people’s home-fridges and stripping them of Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream, according to authorities.  

“I didn’t know what to think when I saw them. I was scared, yet entranced by their collective harmonious presence,” said resident and retired Berkeley professor Glenn Madow. “They came so quickly–I don’t know how they run so well in those Birkenstocks–wearing those perfectly-cuffed-canvas-Dickies pants. They were in and out of my kitchen so fast with the Mochi, and I wanted to stop them but this feeling washed over me that it just… belonged to them. Just like that, in a flash of self-cut bangs, nose rings, and chunky earrings, they were gone. Beware. I heard this was spurred by a shortage at the Trader Joe’s on College.”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.