BERKELEY, Calif. – Southside traffic reached a record high this week as Professor Jennifer Doudna parked her car across every lane of Bancroft Way. 

“Try and stop me, I’m Jennifer Doudna!” the Nobel Laureate shouted, defending her car with a crossbow. “I’ve waited too fucking long to get this parking spot and you’re not taking it away from me now!” Setting down the crossbow, she pulled out what appeared to be a child’s Buzz Lightyear Laser Blaster toy with “CRISPR GUN” scrawled along the side of it. “If anyone comes within 10 feet of me I’ll gene-edit you so hard 23andMe will have to make a new category of origin! Don’t try me, I’m Jennifer Fucking Doudna!”

Montgomery McQueen, Berkeley’s Director of Parking and Transportation, offered little remedy to the scenario. 

“Heh. Women, am I right?” McQueen remarked, vaguely gesturing to Professor Doudna. He provided no further comment on the matter. Walking away, he got struck in the shoulder with a crossbow bolt like the sexist wild boar he clearly aspires to be. 

“I don’t miss twice!” Professor Doudna screeched at him, still fending off honking cars. 

The scientific community has lauded Doudna’s bravery and innovation both in chemistry and in blocking traffic. 

“Yeah, she had already deserved the prize for a while,” reported Claes Gustafsson, Chair of the Nobel Committee for Chemistry, “but this really pushed it over the edge. As a committee, we have always doubted already-successful women’s ability to succeed, but this has changed the game. Claiming two lanes of already-established road for yourself? Few humans could hope to think of such a degree of manspreading, let alone enact it.”

“Bravo, Professor Doudna,” he added. “Bravo.” 

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