BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy.
“These allegations are absurd,” responded Chancellor Christ, wearing an unusually lumpy jacket in the Christmas section of Telegraph Walgreens. “While prior chancellors mishandled harassment in the past, we know better than — uh oh, is that mistletoe? You know what this means…” Christ leaned in, puckered up, and watched five bottles of Diet Coke fall out of her coat. Her wild eyes met a security guard’s and she bolted toward Sather Gate. “You’ll never take me alive! This is MY hot girl summer!” she shouted, disappearing into the twisting halls of Dwinelle.
Some faculty spoke out in support of the Chancellor.
“She’s just taking what’s hers,” reported Nobel Laureate Jennifer Doudna, grasping her beloved crossbow. “I know how it feels to work for years and not get what you deserve. Sometimes you see what you need and grasp it. When I finally earned my Nobel parking spot, I wasn’t waiting around for ‘permission;’ I just stopped my car in the middle of Bancroft. Now look at me! My empire stretches all the way from Strada to Haas, I-House to Hearst gym. Carol should take whatever she wants, so long as she doesn’t encroach on my turf.”
UCPD has not been so kind on the matter.
“We will investigate to the fullest extent of the law,” proclaimed UCPD Chief Margo Bennett. “We cannot sta—”
Chief Bennett cut off when Chancellor Christ snuck up behind her with a pool cue and whacked her in the head. Christ took Bennett’s wallet and keys and threw $50 to reporters.
“Fuck 12!” Christ shouted fleeing the scene.
If you have any knowledge of Chancellor Christ’s whereabouts, please contact the Department of Pest Management.