BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California, Berkeley has announced that the Campanile’s bells will be replaced by the sound of the Southside garbage trucks because they are louder and make noise every day, much like the bells of the Campanile.

“While the sound of the Campanile’s bells is pleasant at times, their main purpose is to suddenly jolt students awake and to let everyone know that one more hour has passed in their miserable lives,” reports Berkeley administrator Eugene Millerman. “Unfortunately, they can only be heard in a limited area. After realizing that the Southside garbage trucks come seven days a week, and are far louder and more disruptive than the Campanile’s bells, we have decided to use them instead from now on.”

With the garbage trucks in line to replace the Campanile’s bells, many are wondering what will happen to Berkeley’s garbage system. There are two proposed solutions currently under consideration. 

“I have found in a non-peer-reviewed study that eliminating garbage cans in the bathrooms of Clark Kerr reduces the garbage created there by 82%,” states Clark Kerr staff representative Martin Thompson. “I have observed that students place some garbage in the tampon disposal boxes in the bathroom stalls instead, but nevertheless feel like this system somehow reduces garbage. I am proposing we simply eliminate all garbage cans and install tampon disposal boxes in every housing unit in the city of Berkeley.”

The other proposal is quite different. 

“Outside of every frat house there is always trash. Whenever I walked by last year on the way to class in the morning I would dry-heave and almost throw up from the smell of puke and stale alcohol,” says Cal Zero Waste member Chloe Yim. “I suggest that we simply put all of our trash in front of the frats, or combine it with their trash bins. I don’t think they’ll notice and doubt anyone will mind.”

At 8:30 AM on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, garbagemen were honking for extended periods of time while aggressively throwing trash into an echo chamber, waking up hundreds of students.

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