BERKELEY, Calif — Berkeley’s annual Big Give fundraiser, it seems, has extended its generosity to include donation of STIs to everybody in my friend group behind my back.

“I thought you knew!” claimed Sam, the two-timing sack of shit who once claimed to be my best friend. “It’s not my fault you found out about me and Cameron after my Big Give Instagram post (#CalBigGive)! I just wanted to show all the collection I had done for the Tang Center! Plus I get to stop you two from getting back together, and I think that’s public service in its own right.”

 An alleged Big Give representative corroborated the story. 

“Listen, the Big Give has done wonders for me in the past,” explained Cameron, who two months ago also said we were “just on a break.” “My freshman year, my independent dance collective got $500 in donations. My sophomore year, I got head from somebody in a RallyComm rugby shirt. I figured why not finally give back this year? I’m finally in a position to add something to our community. Frankly, you criticizing me is just disincentivizing my generosity. I thought you agreed we would still be friends, but you are NOT acting like a homie right now.”

Others insisted on applying more critical thinking to this year’s shitshow fundraiser. 

“So just to play devil’s advocate, what if multiple people got chlamydia from that friend circle?” questioned Alex, the only guy in my Math 1B discussion breakout room who unmutes or turns his camera on. “Like, suppose, hypothetically, someone were getting spitroasted, and nobody had quick access to a condom or a balloon or a Ziploc ®  bag or something, so we did everything raw and assumed it was gonna be fine. Then, for the sake of argument, I would also have chlamydia. Would that also make me a two-timing sack of shit? Would I, the guy who tried to slide into your Zoom DMs, also be at fault?”

At press time, everybody in my house was listening to Rumours by Fleetwood Mac and also reenacting the events that led to its creation.

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