Since the start of this pandemic (or should I say, pandemi–cock-block), our collective capacity for lusting, thrusting, and jammin’ the clam has… well, plummeted. We pitiful, possibly fertile sex-machines are horny as fuck. But rest assured.
For this day and age, during which doing the dirty might pair with contracting the dirty, we present to you a completely incommensorate and dismally unsatisfying alternative to sex: eye-fucking strangers at outdoor cafes. Below is The Free Peach’s step-by-step guide for how to plug your nug without catchin’ that bug, written by the closest thing we have to a trained-professional – a sexually deprived sophomore.
1. Go to a café. It is imperative that you are at a café, not outside sitting on some good-for-nothing grass eager to paint a faux-poop-stain on your new thrifted jeans.
2. Find and identify Hot Stranger. Self-explanatory. Everyone has their thing. We don’t judge here, even though we’re very much advising you to do so.
3. Get coffee. Or tea. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES YERBA MATE.
4. Peek at Hot Stranger while picking up coffee. If you’re obliviously mid-walk, Hot Stranger should be using this as an opportunity to size you up until–WHAM! You stare right back. Congrats, it’s now mutual. If Hot Stranger didn’t look up to meet your peek, then Hot Stranger is probably a stale little studious pricky dickwad whom you shouldn’t give the light of day (but fine, don’t worry, your chances are not over).
5. If possible, seat yourself in a Gaze-Advantageous position. It’s tricky, but try to seat yourself in a location up at which Hot Stranger might naturally look when Hot Stranger gets tired of their laptop.
––– WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT SIT BESIDE HOT STRANGER –––
If you do, you’d be better off “doing your homework” in a ditch and eye-fucking a mole-rat. You cannot fuck someone with your eyes while sitting right next to them, you fucking concupiscent creep.
6. Attempt eye contact. With Hot Stranger in view, it’s time. Chances are, you’ve already locked gazes (because you’re a hot-ass motherfucker, never forget it), but if you haven’t, use this time to first get a good look at Hot Stranger to make sure they’re even worthy. If they are, wait patiently; if you’re sitting correctly, when Hot Stranger looks up, that gaze falls perfectly into yours.
7. LOOK AWAY. If you don’t go back to your “homework” and continue locking eyes, you run the high risk of (validly) making Hot Stranger uncomfortable. Remember: if flirtatious voyeurism is not mutual, it is unsettling and creepy and gross.
8. Repeat steps 6 and 7 three or four times. (To make sure it’s mutual, and also build the foundation of lustrous eye-contact. The sexual tension is rising, in due time.)
9. Make eye contact, but this time add a little quip of your lip (more commonly known as a “smile”). You horny lovebirds locked eyeballs a few times now; you’re ready for the grand finale. When you “accidentally” catch each other trying to catch each other staring back again, hold your gaze for 1.79 more seconds and add a sheepish little grin that says some combination of the following: “Oh my gosh, you were staring at me?!” and “I see you staring and I know you’re thinkin’ bout this big juicy ass” and “I absolutely want to hear about how much you identify with Matthew McConaughey” and “I need to get comprehensively RAILED by you right now.”
Caution: DO NOT smile with teeth. What are you trying to do, start World War III?
10. Repeat step 9.
11. Keep repeating step 9 until the end of fucking time because you’re in a fucking pandemic and no you can’t know if he’s COVID-negative and no you’ll probably never even speak to each other, we’re living in a God-dammned fucking pandemic and oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I’m so young and hot I’m literally in my prime and life is so horrible and holy shit I’m so horny right now I’d literally fuck a TREE.