War. Wealth Inequality. Broken McDonalds ice cream machines. These issues pale in comparison to the true tragedy of the 21st century, the fact that I am currently single.
First, the facts. My grandmother reported in a public forum (family dinner at Chili’s after my high school graduation) that I am “a very handsome boy.” If this unbiased source (a 5’2” 75-year-old Telugu woman whose only grandson is me) made such a statement to the North American public at large, we can assume it’s fact. As we all know, all women have the exact same taste in men and are an invariable monolith. Now that I think about it, I think her exact words were that I was her “most handsome grandson” and then she laughed after as if making a joke but that’s not important. “Tomato, potato” as the saying goes.
We’ve established that I am factually “a catch.” So that begs the question: what is wrong with society? Let’s take a look at a recent date I went on. As usual, I greeted my date wearing an 18-piece bright neon green tuxedo. I reassured her that the outfit was from a “different thing” that I wasn’t legally allowed to talk about.” Instantly, it made me seem mysterious and fancy, but she didn’t care. She suddenly lost interest in me and booked it back to her apartment.
On my last date before that, I took her to my go-to spot (a UC Berkeley prospective student tour). I worked my magic (frequently interjecting “owie owie, my little piglets hurt from walking so much with these size 6 dress shoes. Can you please slow down for Pete’s Sake?”). At the end of that date, she asked me if I wanted to come up. And honestly? How dare she. She wanted me to spend several hours peeling off each layer of my tuxedo without offering directions to the nearest dry cleaning service. I try, but jeez louise, maybe chivalry really is dead.
Clearly, the issue is that women these days simply do not appreciate the efforts of totally normal well-adjusted men like myself.