MOSCOW — Proving his relatability to thousands of insecure students everywhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin recently described having feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ following his self-admission into Ukraine.
“Sometimes, I feel like the only reason I’m in Ukraine is because I violently upended the lives of millions of people through military conquest, and not because I, like, truly deserve it,” Putin confessed during a Zoom therapy call with his most-trusted confidantes and oligarchs. “It’s like I’m just pretending to be a highly competent world leader, when in reality I’m a deeply insecure wannabe dictator who colonizes other countries to preserve my fragile, fragile ego. I don’t know. These emotions are eating me up inside. Do you guys ever feel this way too?”
While Putin’s friends vigorously denied feeling the same way, they all assured the Russian president that he was probably being too hard on himself.
“The People’s Republic of China fully supports/utterly condemns the glorious campaign of liberation/brutal military invasion that my trusted ally/crazed megalomaniac President Vladimir Putin has embarked upon in southwestern Russia/ Ukraine,” announced Chinese President Xi Xinping. “We wholeheartedly defend the sovereign rights of nations, including the sovereign right of nations to invade other nations, and we urge both parties involved in the conflict to come to a peaceful resolution as soon as they decide to come to a peaceful resolution. Alright, I think I’ve covered all my bases. Do I get to invade Taiwan now?”
In an easier-to-understand statement, Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko sucked Putin’s dick.
Despite these encouraging remarks from the Russian president’s closest allies, some members of the geopolitical community insist upon being incredibly hostile towards Putin’s hostile invasion.
“I’ve watched my people get blown to pieces, shot in the streets, forced out of their homes en masse,” said Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “I know what a child’s leg looks like with no child attached. Why the fuck do I know that? I wake up every day knowing it might be my last. [President Putin] has tried to assassinate me three times already. I have no idea what will happen to me, my family, or my country. All I know is I will not abandon my people. Whether through negotiation, armed defense, or civilian unrest, we will resist Putin’s forces. We will not give up our freedom. Slava Ukraini.”
At press time, Zelenskyy reported getting a message via Russian rocket shell to “stop being so salty lmao.”
Photo courtesy of the World Economic Forum.