You’re on your last of a dozen eggs and you’ve been eating tired iterations of spinach for four days. You know what time it is – it’s one of the only fucking reasons you’ve had to leave home during this god-forsaken pandemic. It’s mother-fucking TJ-TIME.
You’re staring at your closet with the knowledge that this culinary wonderland is going to be filled with the hottest sexuality-questioning individuals Berkeley can muster. You’re dressed – you’re planning to walk there in your little cuffed jeans and intentionally messy hair wearing your saucy little pastel-neutral-colored clothes.
But you’re forgetting something. You turn around. How could you forget? How are they supposed to know that you, too, are not completely straight.
Go ahead, bitch. Put on your pair of motherfucking STATEMENT EARRINGS. We here at The Free Peach created a list of five such pieces that might go well with your… vibe.
These Mamma Mia pieces say something along the lines of “I went to Greece once when I was too young to be traveling alone and bought these earrings off of a shitting donkey’s back in the middle of the highway, and on this trip to Europe I very much discovered the phenomenon of the European Woman.”
You’re “edgy.” You have a pair of bright red boots with a chunky heel. You listen to One Direction ironically and make sure people know that it’s ironic, but somewhere deep down in your cold, bleak soul you enjoy the sweet, soothing vocals of Zayn Malik – who’s the only 1D bandmate you’d fuck, if it really came down to it.
3. Abnormally Large Plastic Fruit
You were the editor-in-chief of your high school’s yearbook, or something of that nature. You’d be more than down to have sex with someone on a picnic blanket in the middle of a meadow while deer encircle you in a prancing, magical-realistic Adele serenade. You have a strangely passionate affinity for Trader Joe’s olive oil but always end up eating your focaccia dipped in only vinegar. You’ve been “questioning” since you were eleven but confirmed it as a teenager while watching Glee. You’re a full-on fucking GLEEK.
4. Flashy Gold Geometric
You dabble–JUST dabble, and nothing more than that. You probably rushed or joined a sorority at some point but if anything couldn’t wrestle with the internal hypocrisy of it and found the whole thing overly sexually confusing. You wear white sneakers and high-waisted jeans and doc martens and little floral tops that show 2.85 inches of your tummy, and you stare at every single attractive person in Trader Joe’s for just a few seconds too long.
5. Metal Outline (bonus points for woman’s body)
You’re an experienced gay. You don’t even wear your blundstones to TJ’s anymore, you show up full-ass barefoot (employees want to stop you but they respect the lifestyle) wearing your pajama-adjacent-drawstring-linen-pants and quite simply… just let them come to you.