VATICAN CITY –– For the first time in its centuries-old history, the Vatican’s top dog is leading the Roman Catholic Church in what some call an ‘unprecedented, heroic’ campaign – to slay. In his tenure so far, Pope Francis has made a handful of controversial assertions, such as confirming LGBTQ+ individuals are human beings, declaring trans people eligible for baptism, arguing that homosexuality should not be an institutionally-punishable crime but only a detestable sin worthy of eternal damnation, and most recently, admitting in a press conference that while he could kiss a man, he would never date one.
The statement follows the Vatican’s luncheon celebrating the World Day of the Poor on November 9th, during which the Pope sat between a gay man and a trans woman, causing media commentators to do nothing short of losing their fucking minds.
“Seated to my right at lunch was this fashionable homosexual man with magnificent blue eyelashes – may the Lord save his soul,” recalled the wistful Pope, staring in a mirror at the place his eyelashes used to be. “The brightly-dressed fellow showed me a picture of an actor named Pedro Pascal, whom he called his ‘slay daddy celebrity crush.’ While I am unable to unpack that string of words, I will admit – Mr. Pascal is a gorgeous hunk with a pack of tightly-wound abdomen muscles I can only describe as being granted and ordained by God himself. So, in a completely hypothetical circumstance, I’d say: yes, I would be apt to bestow upon him a passionate smooch.”
Despite the passionate hypothetical, the Pope quickly clarified to reporters that holding hands with a man in public would never be on the table – his newfound attraction to men lies strictly in the realm of physical rather than dating-type lust, and really, a kiss ‘doesn’t mean anything.’ Regarding romance, he asserted that as opposed to women, he just ‘could never see men that way,’ and that unlike the benign practice of sexualizing men, loving a man is deeply unforgivable under Divine creation (with both practices having special exceptions made for Catholic priests with young boys). Even so, the blue-eyelashed individual by the name of Jess Uslae was himself impressed at the Pope’s affinity for attractive men.
“That bitch is so fucking gay –– on God. Yeah, sure, he’d ‘never date a man,’ but when I tell you he literally wouldn’t hand back my phone for the hour-long dessert course so he could keep looking at Pedro Pascal’s abs?” scoffed Uslae, rolling his blue-hued eyes. “Have you seen his outfits? CAMP AS FUCK. Also, 1200 poor people were forced to wait an extra hour and a half to eat lunch because Pope Francis threw a fit about his robes not ‘feeling right’ and demanded they be professionally altered by two and a half inches. If that’s not the gayest thing you’ve heard recently, I’m sorry to say you’re lost, babe.”
The lunch also apparently had a significant impact on the Pope’s understanding of queer culture; he recalled how the trans woman on his right, Saint Mehery, took it upon herself to bridge cultural gaps.
“Proximity with the biblically-damned opened my eyes,” Pope Francis smiled, adjusting his diamond-studded gold bangle. “After failing to explain a thing called “Drag,” this sinful woman showed me a Youtube excerpt of an American show called ‘Ru Paul’s Drag Race’ – and what can I say, I’m hooked! Also apparent were the staggering similarities between this practice of ‘Drag’ and our religious processions here at the Vatican — I think priests and these irreligious queens may have more in common than they think.”
In the tumultuous media reception that followed, Pope Francis held strong in asserting his physical-only attraction to men, sharing with reporters his revelation that ‘sexuality is a spectrum,’ even if choosing to act on all but one point of that spectrum will still cast mortals into a post-death eternity of fiery, deserved suffering in the underworld.