He hands you a flier as you walk unassumingly across Sproul Plaza. He beckons you over to his co-ed business fraternity’s table under their custom-embroidered canopy tent that reads “DN – Delta Nu.” What’s this? An info-session at 7 p.m. on Thursday he thinks you should really attend? You tell him you’re unsure because you don’t have business experience, but he assures you that they really don’t care about past experience, and only use your resume for 80% of their admissions process. Oh – well, he also says it’s okay that you don’t even have an Adobe-Illustrator-designed resume yet, but that you do need one to apply. But he says business is not about the resume, that business and profit is about who you are, and taps his chest tenderly, pointing to his heart, and coincidentally also to the club’s logo on his T-shirt. 

Well, your dad wants you to go into business and you’ve always been kind of interested and this guy seems really nice! He seems like he really does want you to join, which perfectly quiets your newfound imposter-syndrome as well as your painful, deep-rooted desire to be wanted in this dark, hollow world. Hell, you’ll give it a try. He hands you his engraved titanium DN clipboard and you fill out a row of the sign-up sheet with a smile. He says he’ll make sure the club emails you with new information, especially about the info-session. You’re excited. You’re wanted somewhere. Someone – Jake – wants you. You’re going to be a business kid. You’re going to really do business! You’re good enough for that?! Wow! A business fraternity? Dad will be proud. 

You walk away from the table with a tragic, naive little skip in your step, and head down Telegraph for some celebratory Chipotle. Jake walks back to his DN friends, sets his clipboard down with a smirk, and says, “That kid is an idiot. I can’t believe we talked for so long. Swear I’m just talking to people because Chelsea said we had to get 30 emails for the mailing list. No business experience? Who doesn’t have business experience? For god’s sake, I built a multinational corporation from my seventh-grade desk. Kid was so doe-eyed and thought I really meant it all, but… no idea what’s coming. Just really not the vibe of DN – I hope we don’t get a lot of those applying. I love being on this side of things now, where I have so much power over other people’s futures and mental wellbeing. I’m telling you, we’re not even going to look at the kid’s resume, if they even have one. We shouldn’t even send a rejection email, just to show we don’t give a shit about the kid’s application and hope to never see another… Okay Jenna hold on I’m gonna talk to that tall white guy – based solely on appearance he looks like he’s really smart and already successful and would most definitely fit the vibe.”

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