BERKELEY, Calif. — Scarcely four and a half months after the ‘accidental death’ of Grinnell, a second Campanile falcon has been found dead on the west side of Berkeley’s campus.

“We are shocked and utterly heartbroken by this tragic news,” CalFalcons’ official Twitter announced last Thursday. “Lindsay was only two months out of flight school—far too young to be taken from us. Her unexpected passing devastates us all. We ask the public for their most powerful thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.”

In response to repeated questioning from reporters, CalFalcons suggested a possible cause for Lindsay’s death.

“Unfortunately, the life of a young peregrine falcon can be quite harsh,” CalFalcons’ Twitter explained. “We believe that Lindsay was targeted by a large predator, such as a red-shouldered hawk. Of course, we can’t be certain of the exact cause of death. It is possible that something—or someone—else killed Lindsay. But who in the world would want to kill a cute, innocent, three-month-old peregrine falcon?” 

Who, indeed? For answers, we reached out to 4chan journalist and FalcAnon founder Doug McDormand.

“The complete lack of evidence implicating the Clintons proves that they were directly responsible for Lindsay’s murder,” McDormand reported in a post on /pol/. “I mean, think about it. Lindsay is found dead, and what do we get? Not a single video, photograph, fingerprint, or DNA sample suggesting Bill or Hillary Clinton’s involvement. Only an exceptionally cold, calculating, and ruthless murderer could have accomplished such a thorough cover-up. Or, should I say, pair of murderers.”

McDormand has faced intense backlash and cancellation (i.e. a handful of mean Internet comments) for his critical insight. Nevertheless, he refuses to be silenced.

“Grinnell didn’t kill himself. Lindsay didn’t kill herself. And if some time in the next few days they find my body lying in a ditch somewhere, let it be known that I didn’t kill myself either. THE CLINTONS DID THIS,” McDormand said in a 4chan post on Friday.

Some wonder what the Clintons’ possible motive for killing Lindsay would be. However, others don’t. 

“Since when have people needed a motive for murder?” asked an anonymous source. “I kill people for no reason all the time.”

We have reached out to the Clinton Estate for comment. As of press time, they have yet to respond. We will continue to post further updates as more information related to this case is revealed.  

Stay safe, Bears.

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