BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.”
These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved Campanile falcon who passed away under mysterious circumstances on Thursday, March 31st.
His death has devastated the campus community and left numerous questions unanswered. The university’s official statement is that he died in a freak traffic accident. Others believe that Grinnell’s personal turmoil may have influenced him to take his own life. Yet others suspect political intrigue, alleging that Grinnell was the victim of a massive government conspiracy the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Watergate scandal.
In the midst of all of the lies, fabrications, disinformation and deceit, who is telling the truth?
I. The Little Birdie Who Knew Too Much
For years, Grinnell worked as an anonymous informant for Doug McDormand, an independent journalist who publishes his findings several times a day via 4chan post.
“Oh, Grinnell would tell me things ALL the time,” reported McDormand, who claims to be the last “friendly party” to have seen Grinnell alive. “I hardly ever leave my mom’s basem — I mean, my office, so I depended on Grinnell to give me updates about the things going on in the world. Most of the time, it was just little things — lizard people sightings, chemtrails, Cthulhu awakening from his immortal sleep in R’lyeh — you know, the usual. Right before he died, though, Grinnell’s reports started getting pretty serious. He told me that he was being followed – that the government had planted cameras in his house and was watching him constantly via a 24/7 livestream. On Wednesday [March 30th], he dropped the bombshell: ‘I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.’ Of course, it was the very next day that I heard the news of his ‘tragic accident.’”
II. The “Accident” That Never Was
The official campus report states that Grinnell likely died as a result of a collision with an automobile. Critics are quick to point out several inconsistencies associated with this theory.
“It makes no sense that a falcon would be flying low enough to get hit by a car,” declared armchair biologist and Redditor u/Joe_Roganite_420. “Sure, ‘scientists’ say that conflicts with other falcons can cause low-flight behavior, but they could just be making that shit up to suit their own narrative. Anyway, I don’t give a fuck what the so-called ‘experts’ think. Grinnell’s death wasn’t an accident.”
Prominent political pundits agree that the circumstances of Grinnell’s ‘traffic accident’ are suspicious.
“Isn’t it strange that there were no witnesses?” asked Fox News host Tucker Carlson. “Isn’t it convenient that, after being filmed by 24-hour cameras nearly all his life, Grinnell just ‘happened’ to die in an area entirely devoid of security cameras? Look, I’m just asking questions. When the instrument of killing — a car — is a device routinely used by both Bill and Hillary Clinton, well, that naturally raises some eyebrows. I’m of course not saying that they were responsible, but can’t I ask these questions?”
III. Fabricated “Family Troubles”
Among those who believe that Grinnell’s death wasn’t an accident is avian psychologist Geraldine Googlesworth.
“It’s no secret that Grinnell was experiencing marital difficulties in the months before his death,” explained Googlesworth. “Annie, his wife of more than five years, had recently been spotted courting another male, while Grinnell was in the hospital recovering from a horrific fight with a rival, no less Under those circumstances, it might have been tempting for Grinnell to swoop down in front of a car and just… give up.”
Not everyone buys Googlesworth’s hypothesis.
“Hoo-hoo,” said Grinnell’s close friend Vinnie the Owl. “Hoo-hoo. Who? Hoo. Hoo hoo hoo. Hooooooooo. Hoo-hoo! Hoo. Hoooo. Hooo hooo hooo. Hoo. Hoo. Hooo hooo hooooo. Hoo. Hooo. Hoooo!!! Hoo-hoo hoo-hoo. Hoo hoo hoo. Hoo-hoo. Hoo. Hoo-hoo. Hoo. Hoo!”
Vinnie’s brave and damning testimony proves that Grinnell’s death was not self-inflicted. In fact, all of the evidence points to the notion that Grinnell’s supposed ‘accident/suicide’ was merely an attempt to cover up a cold-blooded murder. But who stood to gain from Grinnell’s assassination? And who had the means and opportunity to carry it out?
The answer has been right in front of us all along.
IV. The Clinton Connection
The Clintons have repeatedly denied any involvement in Grinnell’s death, despite the overwhelming evidence implicating them in his murder.
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” Bill Clinton announced in a recent press release. “Wait, what? This is about a bird? Well I’ve never fucked a bird either. I mean, that one’s not even a lie.”
Hillary Clinton had her own intriguing response to the allegations.
“Grinnell? Who?” said the former Secretary of State. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
The Clinton Estate has declined requests for further comment. Yet, their silence speaks louder than their words. Only one question remains — what are the Clintons hiding from us?
Photo courtesy of Gregory Hauenstein.