BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus Vice Chancellor Mark Fisher has passed with a slim majority.

“Grinnell was the backbone of this campus and we are committed to doing whatever it takes to get him back,” a representative from interdisciplinary student organization Graduates for Grinnell. “That includes using the still-beating heart of Vice Chancellor Mark Fisher as an offering to resurrect birds that we found on the back of the Declaration of Independence.” 

The initiative includes a $6 one-time tuition fee to research where Mark Fisher lives, purchase equipment for breaking into houses, and hire John Yoo to defend Graduates for Grinnell in Court.

Rumors surrounding the organization suggest that this ritual has been seen in the past.

“It’s not the first time, and lord knows it won’t be the last,” Reddit user goldenBear_666 wrote in a post on r/Berkeley. “It was in the New Testament. It was in Weekend at Bernie’s. Hell, it was in the life of Queen Elizabeth II. If those have taught us anything, the ritual will make Grinnell like the Queen: just above the brink of death, but he won’t really be alive in a useful sense.”

In the face of such rumors, Graduates for Grinnell merely stated that “stage one has begun” with no further comments. 

 

Photo adapted from Jamie Chavez.

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