BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the Berkeley fraternity Pike for over thirty hours. 

“I was stuck in a pool of Bud Light and sweat for thirty hours,” Falseton reported through a trancelike thousand-yard stare. “I heard ‘All Girls Are the Same’ at full volume forty-five times. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to remove that stain from my ears.”

Fearing a lawsuit from Falseton’s father, who makes a living on emeralds from “somewhere in Africa,” University officials provided Falseton with a psychological evaluation.

“Cindy is shaken up, but she’ll ultimately recover,” explained freshman volunteer and Criminal Minds fan Karla Almida, who conducted the evaluation. “By my estimate, she’ll be medically fit to return to Pike by their next party: Suits and Sluts. Yeah, she’s exhibiting symptoms similar to those of recently-released prisoners of war but here’s the thing: Cindy has the perfect black crop top for the occasion. She deserves to make her grand return.”

Brothers were seen traversing the sticky floor with shoes based on houses built on stilts over the water.

“Yeah I didn’t hear her, how could I over the absolute fucking rager we threw?” Pike pledge Connor Jake Chadster told reporters. “She was probably doing it so that she could get a crumb of the Chadster anyway.”

Falseton quickly dismissed Chadster’s accusations.

“Literally nobody noticed me stuck there,” Falseton reported, frustrated but empathetic. “Honestly, it did suck being stuck to this floor for well over 35 hours, but it was worse realizing that these boys live in such squalid conditions and truly cannot care for themselves. Hell, I saw two brothers use DoorDash to get scrambled eggs and a glass of milk.” 

When given the choice between stepping out of her dirty Air Force 1’s or getting her foot sawed off, Falseton chose the latter, stating “if I can’t step out in my Air Forces just take the whole leg.” Falseton will be sad to lose her favorite toe ring.

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