NEW YORK CITY – After a series of major shocks involving stocks and banks, financial news outlets are declaring that things have happened with money …
“We’re leveraging the potential of shovels in a way that’s never been done before,” said Diggs, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand PowerPoint presentations. “Our innovative approach will create unparalleled value for our customers while disrupting the traditional shovel market.”
“I mean, obviously business majors are a menace to society but Joseph is also one of the biggest douchebags I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. One time he tried to correct the professor by standing up in the middle of class and saying that we should tax the rich less because they’re smarter,” stated Smith’s classmate Cecilia Su. “We weren’t even talking about taxes either. It was super awkward because no one acknowledged him and he also wouldn’t sit back down.”
He hands you a flier as you walk unassumingly across Sproul Plaza. He beckons you over to his co-ed business fraternity’s table under their custom-embroidered …
Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently.
“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”
“I just really don’t know what I’m doing and I’m tired of pretending I do,” announced Eduroam in a campus-wide notification, its router light blinking nervously. “Like, there’s all these new people on campus and I only can take so much. Who should I connect with? Who shouldn’t I?”
“Oh, you want to know more about NFT’s?” former Haas student Sasha Arnold asked. “Yeah, they’re this up-and-coming, super low-key, niche thing that’s happening in the blockchain community. Yeah, you probably haven’t heard about it, like, it’s really up-and-coming, still in its early stages, if you know you know, but I really just see it as a long-term investment. Oh, wait, sorry, so rude of me not to ask, do you want a high-level explanation of what blockchain is?”